I’m not really sure how I feel about the newest crop of American Gladiators.

My college roomies and I anxiously awaited each weekly episode to cheer on our favorites (Nitro was mine) way back in the day when the Gladiators knocked ordinary folks down with giant Q-Tips and tried to pull them down off a rock-climbing wall.

We cheered, we shouted, we groaned, we applauded as the overmuscled Gladiators generally overwhelmed the folks who dared to take them on each week.

The Gladiators were, however, generally a genial lot. Goofy costumes, pretend scariness, but those of us at home were not personally frightened of them. They seemed kind of like folks we could run and hide behind if someone tried to come beat us up.

Not so the new crop. After the break, you’ll see their individual photos. But some of them just, frankly, scare the bejeesus out of me. Toa, for one, looks like he just escaped from an insane asylum (I’m so just kidding, Toa! Really! You look like a very nice man! Oh, and I live in … um, Iowa! Yeah, Iowa!)

The costumes are equally goofy as those from the ‘80s and ‘90s, except updated and, if it’s possible, even tighter.

But they’ve still got those giant Q-Tips.

OK, without further ado, here are the newest Gladiators, with their official NBC bios:

The men:

JUSTICE (Justice Smith) Height: 6’8” Weight: 290
Tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds of power and with 20-inch guns at his disposal, Justice does indeed have a very long arm, and he’ll pursue any adversary to the ends of the earth to prove it. Ask any of his opponents and they’ll tell you that sometimes Justice hurts, and the scales always tip in his favor. [Haha! Get it? Scales of justice?]

TOA (Tanoia Reed) Height: 6’3” Weight: 240
With his tribal garb and distinctive tattoos, he may conjure up images of an island paradise, but facing him in battle is pure hell. Drawing on the power of his ancestors, Toa has the strength of a thousand warriors flowing through his veins, and he will never, ever show mercy. [Um, what? I mean, yeah, Toa’s the bomb!]

TITAN (Mike O’Hearn) Height: 6’3” Weight: 251
With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with his impressive physique, he is equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. Titan is a double threat who will find a way to win…one way or another. [Titan, buddy — I think they’re trying to say you’re a cheater. I’d get my agent on the horn if I were you.]

MILITIA (Alex Castro) Height: 6’3” Weight: 220
Militia targets his opponents with tactical precision. With an impressive arsenal of skills at his disposal, he is well equipped for any operation and will do anything to complete his objective. Once Militia has you in his sights, you’d better have a plan, or the game is over. [But what’s his take on the second amendment?]

WOLF (Don “Hollywood” Yates) Height: 6’4” Weight: 225
When you enter Gladiator Arena keep an eye out for Wolf! Able to smell fear and always going for the jugular, Wolf is 230-pounds of primal fury. He will ferociously defend his turf… and thrives on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge. [Great, the Mike Tyson of Gladiators.]

MAYHEM (Romeo Williams) Height: 6’5 ½” Weight: 230
A storm of smoldering intensity and lightning-quick reflexes, Mayhem unleashes waves of devastation through the ranks of even the most battle-hardened opponents. [He looks seriously ticked off. Can you blame him? His description’s shorter than anyone else’s!]

Whew!

Well, that was the boys. Now, the girls:

CRUSH (Gina Carano) – Height: 5’ 8” Weight: 141
Don’t let the winsome smile fool you… Crush earned her well-deserved moniker by smashing opponents into submission. Despite her girl-next-door looks, she’s a powerful, fierce opponent who has no problem handling the women competitors, and then going back to breaking men’s hearts. [Winsome smile? I think they’re looking at a different picture than we are.]

SIREN (Valerie Waugaman) Height: 5’9” Weight: 145
Consider yourself warned when Siren is heard in Gladiator Arena. She is a force to be reckoned with who will go off at the slightest provocation! Pay close attention to her every move, or Siren will wail… on you! [Siren, sweetie, this is American Gladiators, not the Victoria’s Secret lingerie show.]

VENOM (Beth Horn) Height: 5’8” Weight: 142
Venom has shed her skin to become one of the most feared warriors in Gladiator Arena. She stalks her prey with caution and strikes when it is least expected. Any opponent that faces her had better come prepared because there is no known antidote for Venom, who is lethal in any dose. [Wow. This description was so subtle, it almost went over my head. I thought she actually had shed a layer of skin.]

FURY (Jamie Kovac) Height: 5’7 ½” Weight: 148
Fury takes ferocity to a whole new level. At 5-feet, 8-inches, she is a maelstrom of raw aggression and the epitome of the female gladiator. Equally balanced in speed and strength … Hell hath no fury like, Fury. Period. [That’s actually kinda clever. Kinda.]

STEALTH (Tanji Johnson) Height: 5’ 2 ½ ” Weight: 123
She flies under the radar for a swift and unexpected attack, and any adversary caught unaware will get a swift lesson in shock and awe. Immensely strong and cool under pressure, she executes her favorite move—a quick counter-attack that you never see coming. [Yeah, but you told us about it, so doesn’t that kind of take some of the surprise out of it?]

HELLGA (Robin Coleman) Height: 6’1” Weight: 205
When she stomps into Gladiator Arena, most sensible opponents run for cover rather than risk a Viking funeral. She may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with the force of Thor’s hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to Valhalla. [Cuz, see, Valhalla is the Viking underworld. You know, kind of like Hell? HELLga?]

All photos courtesy of NBC Universal, by Mitchell Haaseth.