While Hillary and Obama duke it out, McCain-Schrute gear up for November

May

Just for kicks, I transcribed Dwight’s Schrute’s letter in response to John McCain’s recent offer to make him vice president (refresh your memories here), which Rainn Wilson read aloud on The Tonight Show last night.

My fellow Americans and select Canadians,

My name is Dwight K. Schrute. Recently it was brought to my attention that a presidential candidate has selected me as his vice president, or as I prefer to call it, assistant president of the United States. I was not surprised by this information because I am the only suitable choice. As for Mr. Jonathan McCain, I will accept your offer old man, but before I do certain terms must be agreed upon.

One, I may pilot Air Force One whenever I want, and while I’m doing so I’m only to be addressed as Ice Man.

Effective immediately Jack Bauer is promoted to Secretary of Defense.

I demand full government financing of research programs into the beet as an alternative energy source. Beet juice is cheaper than gasoline and better tasting.

My bunker must contain a foosball table and be zombie-proof.

Secret Service members are to be armed with nun-chuks, throwing stars and flamethrowers.

I would like a flamethrower.

I would like an Iron Man outfit.

My current employer Michael Scott has asked to be ambassador to Hawaii or the governor of Florida or King of Tahiti, whichever.

All of the above items are negotiable except for the flamethrower. Basically if you give me a flamethrower, I’m on board.

In conclusion I will display complete loyalty to my president and America. And at 3 a.m. when the phone rings in the White House, I won’t even hear it. I’m a very sound sleeper.Vote Schrute!

Dwight K. Schrute.

Photos: Rainn Wilson (NBC Universal); Republican presidential candidate, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., left, host Jon Stewart during a taping of The Daily Show May 7 (AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 15th, 2008 at 11:20 am by Brian Howard.
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