David. Cook. Wins. Holy cow!

NOTE: If you missed any or all of tonight’s finale, start from the bottom of this recap and work your way up. Trust me, it will make more sense that way.

10:10 p.m.—Wow, it’s going to take a little time to process this all. Final thoughts will be posted tomorrow. Thanks to those of you who followed along!

10:03 p.m.— I’m still in shock. Pleased, but still floored. It’s like DC didn’t even realize he won until about two minutes after Seacrest made the announcement.

10:02 p.m.—“This is the Time” to write a new song.

10:01 p.m.—So THAT’s why Cowell offered the apology. It all makes sense now. No way he eats his words if Archie won. The Word Nerd himself says, “I am absolutely at a loss for words right now.”

10:00 p.m.—David Cook wins! Biggest upset in “Idol” finale history! (Update: Well, maybe Ruben Studdard over Clay Aiken was a bigger upset; but this upset is more exciting for the right reasons.)

9:58 p.m.— Simon Cowell offers a rare apology to David Cook. He offers a maloprop, “I don’t really care who wins.” Evidently, neither do several million viewers who gave up on the show this year.

9:54 p.m.— GM said he’s got a cold. I hope that’s the reason he sounded strained.

9:53 p.m.—Promoting George Michael’s upcoming American tour, Ryan Seacrest announces, “Get ready for GM, ladies and gentlemen.” Somewhere, Ford executives are crapping out the back door.

9:50 p.m.—To complete the scatalogicial humor attempted in the previous timestamp, he just sang “Doo doo doo doo.”

9:49 p.m.—Did George Michael just say, “All God’s children crapped out the back door?” Anatomically, that makes sense.

9:48 p.m.— George Michael. It sounds like he’s straining on the vocal. I kind of feel bad.

9:45 p.m.—It’s only a matter of time before George Michael emerges to complete this medley of his songs. My guess is he’s in the bathroom.

9:43 p.m.—KLC guesses it would be nice if she could touch my body. Who am I to argue?

9:42 p.m. —Daniels from “The Wire” is in “Fringe”?! Count me in.

9:40 p.m.— Unlike Cook’s tightie-whities, Archuleta sports boxers for his version of the Guitar Hero commercial. Still, R. Kelly is pleased.

9:35 p.m.—Legs McGhee, a.k.a. Carrie Underwood, takes the stage. She sports a trench coat dress but regretfully doesn’t flash the crowd. She’s also holding the night’s 15th sparkly mic.

9:32 p.m.—How is Iron Man not getting more screen time than his “Tropic Thunder” costars Ben Stiller and Jack Black in the Gladys Knight bit? It’s running long, but it’s infinitely cooler than last year’s Celine Dion-Elvis Presley creepfest.

9:27 p.m.—In another ad for “Zohan,” Adam Sandler just got into fisticuffs with Donna Summer’s weave.

9:23 p.m.—Like Miss America, the previous title-holder shows up for a last hurrah. In this case, it’s Jordin Sparks wearing a gold lamé toga rejected from a Caesar’s Palace revue. Her song sounds like a diluted version of Michael Jackson’s “Remember the Time.”

9:19 p.m. —David Archuleta joins Ryan Teddy on “Apologize.” The harmonies don’t blend well, but Archie sounds good solo.

9:18 p.m.—OneRepublic sings “Apologize.” I’m still waiting for Amanda Overmyer’s.

9:15 p.m.—Checking in with the Yankee game: For the second time in a week, the umps get a home run call wrong at Yankee Stadium. Alex Rodriguez wuz robbed! Definitely time for instant replay on disputed home runs. At least the Yanks are up by a touchdown.

9:11 p.m.—Renaldo Lapuz is your brother, your best friend forever, singing the songs, the music that you love. Is it sad or amazing that I knew that was the USC Marching Band before the collegiate affiliation were revealed? Strangely, I can’t hear a thing over the silent, dancing cheerleaders. Mmm… cheerleaders.

9:07 p.m.— The Jonas Brothers perform. Somewhere, Hanson wishes they were 15 again.

9:04 p.m.— David Cook is in a very clever commercial for Guitar Hero, imitating Tom Cruise’s button-down and underwear scene in “Risky Business” while singing “Old Time Rock ‘n Roll” by Bob Seger. I think R. Kelly would have liked the commercial better if it were Archuleta instead.

9:00 p.m.—A barefoot Graham Nash performs “Teach Your Children Well” with a barefoot Brooke White. Quite a feet.

8:59 p.m. —So who’s Archuleta gonna sing with? I don’t know how they’re going the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir on the Nokia Theatre stage.

8:56 p.m.—Good thing Mike Myers didn’t make David Cook shave his beard, because he’s performing “Sharp Dressed Man” with ZZ Top! He looks a little starstruck.

8:53 p.m.—In a great new commercial, former Yankees manager Joe Torre asks a State Farm agent, “What do you think of my screenplay?” Someone is very happy to be out of the Bronx Zoo right about now.

8:48 p.m.— Bryan Adams looks like he hasn’t eaten in weeks. Is he a beneficiary of “Idol Gives Back”?

8:47 p.m.—The Forgotten David, Mr. Hernandez, sounds great. And by the looks of his unbuttoned shirt, I believe he’s accepting tips.

8:44 p.m. — Jimmy Kimmel makes a salient point about an unkempt Ryan Seacrest looking like Chris Sligh. But with that bright red coat, Randy Jackson looks more likely to be valet parking than Sanjaya.

8:40 p.m.—Carly Smithson and Michael Johns sing “The Letter” for the International Idol portion of the evening’s festivities. They both sound outstanding on a nice arrangement; Johns, who was hit or miss the whole season, has never sounded better.

8:38 p.m.—A gorgeous Carrie Underwood plays Nintendogs. The dogs aren’t the cutest thing in the DS commercial. By a long shot.

8:37 p.m.—Lots of high-profile movie trailers so far during the commercial breaks: “Indy,” “Hulk,” “Love Guru” and “Zohan.” What, no “Wild Hogs 2″? (Don’t answer that, Hollywood.)

8:35 p.m.—”Last Dance” is a much better match for Syesha’s vocals. Mooch beeser.

8:32 p.m. —Despite an unfortunate weave that recalls late ’80s Stallone, Donna Summer looks and sounds fantastic.

8:31 p.m.— CARLY SMITHSON absolutely wails on “Hot Stuff”! Love that lass. Oh, and then Ramiele attempts to sing notes and fails.

8:29 p.m.—Moments after the Davids claim the keys to their hybrid vehicles, the ladies in red take the stage. Brooke and KLC sound strong, and Amanda Overmyer looks and sounds like she’s about to be chased off the stage by Sandman from “Showtime at the Apollo.”

8:27 p.m.—Castro has yet to hold out a final note for more than 2.1 seconds. Also, was he wearing women’s jeans?

8:25 p.m.—Jason Castro sings his most critically acclaimed cover, the Jeff Buckley version of “Hallelujah.” I doubt they’re going to bring back Buckley for this duet.

8:18 p.m.—Syesha Mercado is paired with Seal for his hit “Waiting for You.” She’s very talented and looks stunning, but where’s Heidi? This is plumbing the depths of her range… but not in a good way. Auf wiedersehen!

8:15 p.m.—Mike Myers playing Sitar Hero got a genuine laugh, as does the Mariska Hargitay. Despite the shameless shilling, the taped segment kills much more than Jim Carrey’s “Horton Hears A Who?” pitch earlier this season. Archuleta makes a nice shaving cream catch.

8:12 p.m.—The first appearance from the brunette Danny Bonaduce, it’s Papa Archuleta!

8:11 p.m.— David Cook is wailing on “Hero,” the theme from first “Spider-Man” movie, and Archie looks and sounds totally overwhelmed.

8:05 p.m.— “So You Think You Can Dance” promo takes a jab at “Dancing With the Stars” for its B-list stars. As compared to the A-list mentors on “Idol” this season?

8:04 p.m.— Front and center in the Top 12 number, Kristy Lee Cook. Still hot. And yes, there she is, the true “American Idol” is in the house: Carly Smithson! Also, I still don’t know if David Hernandez is singing or dancing with the crew from “So You Think You Can Dance.” It probably depends on how much the dancers are wearing.

8:03 p.m.—Matt Rogers sighting! One of my favorite forgotten “Idol” contestants is reporting among a bunch of blondes in Salt Lake City.

8:00 p.m.— More votes than residents of Canada, Spain, Ireland and Australia rolled in: 97.5 million votes “smashed” the previous voting record by over 23 million. One David got 56 percent of the vote. (Methinks that’s Archie.)

8:00 p.m.—This is “American Idol.” Nuh-NAH-nuh-NAH-nuh-NAH-nuh-NAH-errrraaahhhh! Nice to see Ryan Seacrest get excited about the “seasoooon finale!” Somebody woke up!

7:56 p.m.—The commercial for the new Adam Sandler movie reminds me: It’s only a matter of time before someone on YouTube comes out with a trailer for “You Don’t Mess With The Lohan,” no?

7:55 p.m.— This is almost “American Idol.”

(Photos by Michael Becker/Fox.)