“It’s all Serena, Serena, SERENA!!!!”

Whoa. A hissy fit by the deposed Queen B. is a scary thing to behold. It also made me realize something last night: Blair Waldorf is, quite possibly, more frightening than any of the villains on “Prison Break.” (Leighton Meester has just been on fire this season.)

And what prompted this little outburst, you ask? Why, just that Ms. van der Woodsen is seriously outshining B. as the hot new socialite on the scene. Not to mention, it was Fashion Week in New York, which means that Blair’s designer mother was paying more attention to Serena and intern Jenny (the horror!) than her own daughter.

So here’s what went down between the frenemies:

After watching Mamma Eleanor place Serena and her new pals in the front row of her show—Kirsten Dunst is SOOO 2007 (ouch!)—a jealous Blair turned to sabotage. Except she turned her wrath on Jenny, changing seating charts, firing models and swapping Eleanor’s finale dress with one of Jenny’s designs. But alas, Blair’s plans backfired. Jenny’s suggestion that Serena and the Socialites (hey, that’s a great band name!) swan down the catwalk turns out to be a great PR move, and the fashionistas (hello, Michael Kors!) love, love, love Jenny’s dress.

Blair tries to apologize to Serena in the end, but Miss Everything-Comes-Easily-To-Me has had her head turned by Poppy’s “don’t be afraid to show your inner light” speech. (Insert much eye-rolling here.) So Serena tells Blair that she’s not letting her hold her back anymore.

Jeez, Serena: Conceited much?

Clearly, Serena has forgotten that only last week, Blair tried to hatch a revenge plot because Dan had hurt Serena’s feelings. And just a few months ago, Blair got rid of the evil Georgina for her. Not to mention the myriad times that Blair has yanked her drunken ass out of a bar and covered for her. Blair’s methods might be mean sometimes, but she’s been a pretty loyal friend.

As for Blair and Jenny, B. tries to get Jenny fired—and rats her out to Rufus. Seems that little J. has been going to work at Eleanor’s instead of attending school. Blair showing up at the Humphreys’ apartment with a tub of chicken soup and fake concern was classic. (And you’d have thought Mrs. Queller would have caught on to that fake mono story a little sooner, wouldn’t you?)

The upshot of all this is that Blair and Jenny call a truce, after J. tells Blair she admires her for working so hard for all she has, while Serena floats through life. Jenny also announced that she’s not going back to school, and called Rufus a hypocrite for dropping out himself to follow his musical dreams. (To top it off, she implied that she’s more talented than he was. Snap!)

So that’s what’s up with the girls. Now, how about the boys?

The always intriguing Chuck Bass was front and center, dragging Dan along in a typical night of mother-Chuckin’ debauchery. All in the name of research for Dan’s horrible writing, of course. See, his crochety oh-for-the-days-of-Hunter-Thompson writing coach wants Dan to get out of his rut of writing about a Lonely Brooklyn Boy pining for an Uptown Girl. So he decides to ask Chuck for help, and one drunken, drugged evening later, Chuck boots a shoeless Dan out of the limo and into the street.

Grumpy mentor then suggested that the “Charlie Trout” character (Trout, Bass, get it? Man, Dan really IS a bad writer…) in Dan’s latest short story is the most interesting, and that Dan should find out his secrets to learn what makes him tick. Because, you know, as a fiction writer, Dan couldn’t just use his imagination and make it all up.

But that wouldn’t lead us to Chuck’s revelation about why his relationship with his father is so awful: Chuck’s mother died having him, and Bart blames his son. Chuck dropped that bombshell while the two are in jail after another night of bar-hopping. This time around, Dan defended Chuck when he mistook a girl for a hooker (an “honest mistake”) and her boyfriend took offense. Dan ends up slugging the boyfriend, hence the bar fight and arrests.

Chuck, however, discovered that Dan has been using him for his writing, and their little boy bond is broken. Oh well, we knew that unholy alliance couldn’t last long.

And getting back to that mean ol’ Bart Bass, what secret did he uncover about Lily? Back in Lily’s wilder days, she posed for a nude photograph by Robert Mapplethorpe. Lily wanted to buy the picture because she was kind of proud of it, and now that Serena and Eric are older, she wants to tell her kids about who she really was (or is?).

Bart, however, buys the photo because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed by it. Which leads us to that other secret. The dossier that Bart  compiled before marrying Lily has something in it from her past that’s so bad, it moved Lily to near tears. Of course, we don’t know what the secret is yet.

(Any guesses? Mine is that the document Bart showed Lily is a birth certificate, and Lily had Rufus’ baby without telling him, and then gave it up for adoption. Oh wait, that’s already happening on “90210”…)

That’s all for now, and all those dirty little secrets will have to tide you over for two weeks. But we have a Serena-Blair showdown at Yale to look forward to when the show returns on Oct. 13.

Until then, boys and girls, XOXO…

(Photos courtesy of the CW)