Is Bart Bass really dead?

For those of you who didn’t watch the trailer for next week’s show and can’t figure it out, or haven’t obsessively followed all of the online speculation, heed this warning and STOP READING HERE.

For everyone else, here’s the answer:

Of course he is.

I mean, hello? Bart – the unlikeable, cold-hearted father of Chuck, husband of Lily, stepdad to Serena and Eric – has been in “an accident.” There’s a freakin’ funeral next week. Doesn’t take a genius to put together those clues.

Plotwise, it’s a brilliant move. Bart’s death clears the way for a Lily-Rufus reconciliation and a family power struggle when Bart’s little brother blows into town.

You know what else it does?

I hear it gives Ed Westwick the chance for a tour de force performance – can you believe we’re actually saying THAT about “Gossip Girl”? – as Chuck has a full-blown meltdown.

Don’t believe me?

Check out this disturbing photo just released by the CW:

Yup, you’re actually going to feel really, really, REALLY bad for Chuck Bass.

And if that’s not enough to make you sob, here’s some more heartbreaking news. It’s the last you’ll see of “GG” until next year.

After Monday, the show goes on its holiday hiatus, returning Jan. 5 with all-new eps.

Boo-hoo!

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

Apparently, on the Upper East Side, Thanksgiving is the holiday of wonder.

Chuck Bass skipping dinner and traveling to Brooklyn—gasp!—to help out an estranged friend?

The Captain doing the right thing and turning himself over to the FBI?

Jenny and Rufus reconciling?

Blair and her mother actually getting along?

Yes, it was a Thanksgiving extravaganza, one where almost everything ended with smiles and happiness.

Except for the van der Woodsens getting pretty ticked after discovering that Bart has fat investigative files on each and every one of them.

Oh, and Vanessa’s sneakier than we thought: Stealing Nate’s (semi) love letter to Jenny? For shame.

Let’s start the recap with the Archibald household, shall we?

The so-called magnificent Archibalds—Nate and his mom that is—slouched back to Manhattan for Thanksgiving after convincing a friend to let them housesit while they’re in Aspen.

It was a set-up, of course: Nate’s fugitive father was there, and the folks want to talk to Nate about moving to Dominica where the Captain’s been hiding out.

But really, the Captain is still a broke ass who wants to pretend-ransom Nate and his mom to Mama Archibald’s rich family so they’ll have money to live on. After talking to Chuck and Vanessa, Nate convinces his dad to turn himself in.

Boo hoo. But at least now the government will unfreeze the Archibald assets, including their house. (Is it really that easy, considering what I’m assuming will be massive fines for the Captain’s financial crimes and, you know, the fact that he FLED THE COUNTRY?)

Maybe they can at least get the electricity back on for awhile, though. And not a moment too soon. Nate’s hair has been looking a little scary without his daily blowout.

There was chaos at the Waldorfs, too, of course.

Blair got hysterical because her favorite holiday has been ruined by the arrival of Cyrus’s family.

He had the nerve to not only eat her pie, but criticize the nutmeg-to-cinnamon ratio!

They’re eating in a restaurant instead of at home!

And Eleanor and Cyrus are secretly ENGAGED?!?

So B. stormed out to wander the streets with the loyal Dorota in tow. Who’s the one who spilled the beans that Cyrus proposed to Eleanor. And whose ring tone for Eleanor is Britney Spears’ “I’m a Slave 4 U.” Tee hee!

Yet Eleanor actually did a nice thing for Blair by having her dad surprise her for Thanksgiving. Jeez, what was up with the writers last night? Mothers were pulling out fathers like rabbits out of hats.

It was true, though, that Cyrus proposed. So B. and Serena’s new boyfriend, the boring Aaron, will be stepsister and stepbrother. Eek.

(Oh yeah, there was a snorefest of a subplot about how Serena feels the need to lie to Aaron about her partying past, but Dan let it slip out. Whoops. I could SO care less. I never thought I’d be screaming to get Serena and Dan back together, but anyone would be more interesting than this guy. Even his facial hair annoys me. Dude, either shave or grow a real goatee.)

Speaking of the van der Woodsens, they’ve had a secret houseguest: Jenny. Eric’s been sneaking the homeless brat in under Serena’s nose and while Lily and Bart enjoyed yet another vacation. Lily finds Jenny’s emancipation papers and immediately calls Rufus in for a daughter-dad emergency chat.

And all it took was an “I love you” from Rufus for Jenny to skeedaddle back home to Brooklyn.

Meanwhile, a side comment from Bart about Eric’s boyfriend we never see (apparently because he’s cheating on Eric) prompts Chuck to reveal his father’s files on the family. (And how funny was that scene where the boys open the safe, with gold bars, paintings and a satellite phone? “It’s like the end of every heist movie ever made!”)

Needless to say, Lily, Eric and Serena are not pleased by this privacy breach. Creepy, right? And we now know what Lily’s secret is: She was once institutionalized as a teenager, just like Eric.

Lily and E – he’s an initial now, just like the other kids, cute! – are so mad, they leave their own dinner and crash the Humphreys’ Thanksgiving instead. (Where they must have a magic oven that can cook a 15 pound turkey in like, half an hour.)

GRRR, mean ol’ Bart Bass was spying on them though, and he didn’t like the little Humphrey-van der Woodsen family scene he saw from his limo window. One speed-dial to his P.I. and Bart hopes to soon learn what put Lily in the cukoo’s nest so many years ago. (Could it have been her breakup with Rufus?)

Of course, we can’t leave out the continued conflict between Vanessa and Jenny over Nate. They may be friends now, but when Jenny learns Vanessa stole Nate’s letter – and you KNOW she will  -  the claws are sure to come out.

That’ll have to tide you over for two weeks, folks.

The show is back on Dec. 1 with a winter-themed episode: It’s time for the annual Snowflake Ball.

I don’t know why these people continue to go to events like this. They never end well. Remember how dramatic that masquerade party was? And the debutante ball?

Ah, well, it wouldn’t be “Gossip Girl” if everyone just stayed home and played Boggle…

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

But it’s true: Entertainment Weekly says we’re gonna meet Mr. Freeze’s little bro early next year.

He’ll be played by Desmond Harrington, who’s currently cavorting with serial killers on Showtime’s “Dexter.” That should give him some practice in dealing with the killer schemes of the Upper East Side.

And maybe it’s just me, but my guess still is that Bart is going to be the one to die on “Gossip Girl.” (There’s a rumor going round that a funeral is imminent.)

Could Bart’s brother be coming to town to pay his respects? And maybe fight Chuck for control of Bass Industries?

Let me know your theories, boys and girls. Ta-ta for now, XOXO …

(Photos courtesy of Showtime and the CW)

But seriously. Sure, as Blair so bluntly pointed out, the man looks like a gnome. However, he makes brittle Eleanor almost bearable. (Yet, in all fairness, if my husband had left me to cavort in France with another man—and not just any man, but a hot model who once worked for me—I’d be a little cranky, too.)

Most amazing, though, Cyrus knows how to outmaneuver Blair!

That’s pretty impressive, especially when you’re using Cyndi Lauper as part of your battle plan.

Seeing Cyndi make Blair speechless? Awesome. Not actually having Cyndi sing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”? Bummer.

Anyway, it seems that, for now, Blair is on board with this new relationship. She’s not so keen on Serena’s new love, Aaron, who just happens to be Cyrus’s son.

Me neither. Aaron is doing nothing for me. I guess he’s supposed to be this older, cool artist hipster, but personally, I think he’s a pretentious wanna-be bohemian who looks like he needs a shower. I know Serena needs a transitional man to get Dan out of her system, but at this point, I’d take Mr. Judgmental Humphrey over this guy every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

I loved that Serena thanked him for his “condescending lecture” on dating etiquette, but hated that she accepted Aaron’s lame apology and ran off into the park with him in her indecently short nightgown. Girl, it’s November. I get the whole I-want-to-be-wild-and-carefree business, but it’s cold outside: It’s gonna take hours for your lady parts to thaw out.

But on to the real focus of last night, which was on the three other men in Serena’s life: Dan, Chuck and Bart Bass.

Anyone else think of a word that rhymes with “sick” when Bart rejected Chuck’s hockey tickets, saying he was too busy to go to a game with his son, and that Chuck’s gesture was “misguided, as usual?”

All turned out well between father and son, though, even if Bart’s incredibly quick about-face was a little Afterschool Special. Which, of course, means that he’s probably going to be the character to kick the bucket soon. More on that later.

Anyway, maybe I’m coming at Dan-as-a-writer storyline from an actual realistic perspective, but last night’s plot was absolute nonsense. A 17-year-old getting an investigative assignment from New York magazine? Which they would agree to run without a byline? I’m guessing that New York has enough fairly seasoned journalists to take on a profile of Bart Bass.

Having another writer use Dan as a source for the story because he knows the family? That I’d buy. Condoning Dan’s unethical behavior – like lying to Bart about why he’s interviewing him – is pretty farfetched, if for no other reason than the fact that Bart would sue the freakin’ pants off the magazine.

(And don’t even get me started on the fact that Dan’s suddenly drifted into journalism, when I thought he wanted to be a novelist.)

Not to mention that if Dan’s agenda was supposed to be a secret, how on earth did some random construction worker – who most likely wouldn’t have even seen Dan at Bart’s office – know he was writing a story and get a hold of his email address? Ridiculous.

Plus, having Bart suddenly break down and confess to Dan that some man died in that suspicious building fire was completely out of character. Although it did give me a giggle fit when Chuck was lurking behind that column, only to pop out at exactly the right moment to warn his dad that Dan was digging up dirt for an article.

Anyway, Chuck’s heartfelt plea to Dan – that the story would destroy his and Serena’s family – worked better than his usual go-to threat of destruction. Dan sent the short story he wrote about “Charlie Trout” to Bart, who discovered that his son thinks he blames him for his mother’s death during childbirth.

Turns out, Bart’s heart only turned ice-cold after Chuck’s mom died: He acts the way he does not because he blames Chuck, but because he reminds him of his lost love too much. And voila! Father-son bond is restored, which, of course, is why I think Bart will be the one to go belly up.

Because we can’t have a well-adjusted Chuck Bass, now, can we? We love our mother-Chucker tortured and twisted, and nothing will keep that going better than turning him into little orphan Chuckie.

And speaking of poor unfortunates, whatever happened to little J.? Surprise, surprise. Agnes the model turned out to be as much of a nutter as we thought, ruining business meetings and torching Jenny’s dress designs. At the moment, it looks like Jenny has no job, no clothing line of her own, and more importantly, no home.

Unless Rufus decides to sign those emancipation papers? Until next time, Upper East Siders, when we’re in store for a dramatic Thanksgiving episode.

XOXO…

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

Yes, little Jenny Humphrey hijacked a charity ball honoring Lily and Bart and turned it into the stage for a Betsy Johnson-on-steroids-style fashion show starring new pal Agnes and her model friends.

I guess spending all that time with Blair paid off because girlfriend knows how to multi-task: In the midst of all this scheming and plotting, she had time to seriously smooch Nate Archibald and score a major Gossip Girl posting.

Which gets Jenny into major trouble with Vanessa, who clearly still has feelings for the Upper East Side’s favorite gigolo. Come on, girls: Why fight over Nate? He probably won’t remember your name in a few weeks, as evidenced by his forgettable hook-up with Jordan, the Yale T.A. trying to help Dan with his writing application.

As for Rufus, his bright idea on how to handle his defiant daughter? Try to get her arrested. Luckily, Lily refuses to press charges and gently tells Rufus that Jenny’s show was inspired and that she’s a true artist. (Who’d have thunk that absentee mom Lily would have the better parenting advice?)

Meanwhile, Blair, Chuck and Serena spent most of the evening racing around to Manhattan hotspots in the search of Emma, the practically pre-teen daughter of a prominent Yale donor. See, Serena tried to boost Blair’s chances of getting into her dream school (because, you know, Princeton is a trade school) by offering B. as a babysitter.

Except, oops, little Emma is hell-bent on busting out of Virgintown and wants to be deflowered by anyone who’ll take her.

Serena comes up with the plan of distracting her with the charity ball, but not before she undergoes a much-needed makeover. (Which hopefully involved burning Emma’s tie-died muumuu and sending it to a discount clearance rack in the sky…)

All was well, until Emma ran into the Devirginator: Chuck Bass. And surprise, surprise, Chuck actually grew a conscience: He refuses to take Emma’s challenge, implying that limousine backseats should be reserved for special occasions (like s-e-x with Blair, aww! Sweet!).

The rest of the episode was spent searching through crowded bars for runaway Emma, who clearly did her NYC research. So did her mom, because the gang also spotted her at 1Oak in a clinch with a hot guy who’s not her husband.

Click goes the camera phone, and Blair is plunged into blackmail bliss. She still helps save Emma from the clutches of random Serge, however: And um, does Chuck’s “lose the tulip” line mean what I think it does?

Blair ends up taking the high road, choosing to tell off Emma’s mom about her crappy mothering instead of flashing the blackmail photo. Emma saves the day for Blair, too, telling the Yale dean that the Queen B. is the person—dead or alive—who she’d most like to have dinner with. (Jeez, the dean really needs to get a new admissions benchmark.)

And Serena? Besides continuing to wear inappropriately short dresses to college interviews, she didn’t do much besides coo over old camp photos of her and Aaron. And worry about whether he just wants to add her to his harem of girls.

But how could he be anything other than a sweetie pie when he saved their licorice wedding ring from all those years ago, right? Ick. Who cares? Anyone else not feeling Aaron Rose? Seems like kind of a snore to me. Those sweaters he uses as scarves are really bothering me, too.

So how did it all end?

Dan was inspired by Jenny’s underhanded tactics and decided to write his Chuck Bass-Charlie Trout story for nasty old ex-mentor, Noah Shapiro.

Jenny’s now homeless and apparently taking style cues from the Olsen twins, aimlessly walking the streets of Brooklyn and looking stylishly disheveled. (BTW, Dan, you’d think you’d mention that your little sis packed her suitcases before discussing your writing future with Dad. Way to make it all about you.)

Nate is at a mailbox, sending a letter (of apology?) to Jenny. Has his financial situation forced him to give up his cell phone? He couldn’t just text?

And all of that was set to an awesome song I haven’t heard in ages: “No New Tale to Tell” by Love and Rockets. Perfect, perfect choice, and one that redeemed the show’s musical taste after setting Jenny’s fashion show to a horrendous cover of the Ramones’ “Sheena is a Punk Rocker.”

That’s it for now, boys and girls. Until next week, when Wallace Shawn (“The Princess Bride”) pops up as Cyrus Rose, Aaron’s dad and Eleanor Waldorf’s new man!

Inconceivable!

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

Quitting Eleanor, leaving school.

Snogging Nate? Are you a fool?

Whew. OK, that’s all out of my system now. And truth be told, if I had a choice between curfews and algebra and rubbing elbows with fashionistas and smooching major hotties at midnight, I might follow right in little J.’s shoe-booted footsteps.

But I probably wouldn’t let a teenage flake of a model—or anyone who wears rubber leggings, for that matter—be my business advisor.

Perhaps Jenny’s eyeshadow overdose affected her brain? Because she stupidly ends up following the advice of Agnes (played by Willa Holland, formerly Marissa’s little sis on “The O.C.”). The little pipsqueak was the one who convinced Jenny to launch her own fashion line, after Eleanor basically stole two of her dresses to show some otherwise disinterested department store buyers.

But Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. Your instincts were spot on.

You’re 15. You have no money. No investors. No contacts. No one knows who you are. A few online photos and a mention in Nylon magazine isn’t going to get you very far. Ask Isaac Mizrahi. He was the darling of the fashion world, and the dude still went bankrupt. That was before he hooked up with Target, of course. So hey, maybe things will all work out!

Anyway, you can’t blame a girl for trying. And you can’t blame a girl for taking advantage of the situation when your brother’s smokin’ hot friend comes to rescue you from a shady photographer’s clutches.

Nate, you little slut. First Blair, then Serena, then Blair, then Catherine and now Jenny? Let’s see how long this one lasts.

Anyway, Agnes wasn’t the only new character making things interesting: Serena and the others met Aaron Rose (John Patrick Amedori), an artist whose latest work at Rufus’s gallery is a big success. He’s also someone who has a knack for using cashmere sweaters as scarves.

He and Serena hit it off, but S. turns down his dinner offer because she doesn’t want to rock the flimsy boat of friendship she and Dan have established.

But once Dan gives his blessing, Serena goes to Aaron—only to see him scooting off on a Vespa with another girl. (By the way, I couldn’t tell, but was that girl Vanessa?)

Aw, too bad! Just when Serena realized that Aaron was her ex-husband! (Don’t ask, the story involves summer camp at Lake Geneva, a mock wedding and something about a sick caterpillar.)

That wasn’t all that was going on at the gallery, though. Oddly, Blair chose that low-rent location to try to declare her love for Chuck—on Dan’s advice.

It was cute to see Blair actually suffer Dan’s presence, once she realized he was actually giving her some decent insight into Chuck’s deviant mind. Although it didn’t stop her from declaring that Dan and Serena made her even more “nausous” as friends.

And the show made a smart choice by forcing Blair and Chuck into an actual conversation, rather than having them go yet another round of snarky double entendres. (Although I did love that bar scene between the two. I’m not sure whether Chuck was more annoyed by Blair’s obvious seduction techniques or the fact that she ruined his pants.)

Poor B. And poor C.! Who’d have thought you’d feel bad for this gruesome twosome? Because as crude and callous as Chuck is, he pretty much nailed their relationship: Could anyone actually envision this pair on a normal date, holding hands at the movies?

(That’s actually a good point: None of the GG kids actually do normal things, like seeing a movie. What, rich people can’t enjoy “The Dark Knight” like everyone else? They don’t even really go shopping that often: I guess when you’ve got that much money, the couture fairy just shows up to restock your closet.)

So it looks like this evil couple in love will have to remain apart for now—and take out their frustration on others, of course.

Any guesses as to who’ll be their next victims?

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

Chuck decides to save a Brooklyn landmark!

Dan gives his newly homeless and suddenly poor pal, Nate, a safe place to crash!

The van der Woodsens and Basses become a real family!

Blair plots to ruin Vanessa!

OK, so that last one wasn’t quite so nice. Still, there was an awful lot of caring and friendship going on beneath the surface of all that sexual tension and Dangerous Liasons-style plotting.

Let’s start first with the man of the hour: Chuck Bass—and his interesting sense of style. (Which finally got made fun of by a bunch of Brooklynites, complete with a tossed tomato. Which was totally freakin’ awesome.)

So young Mr. Bass gets drawn into a scheme crafted by Blair to bring down Vanessa. Oh, excuse me, that “little troll.”

I’m not exactly sure how Vanessa would be ruined by sleeping with Chuck, but that’s a minor detail: The proposition is made far more interesting once Blair offers herself to Chuck as a reward for succeeding.

But who’d have thunk it? Chuck ends up developing a fondness for Vanessa—however unspoken—and the Brooklyn bar she’s trying to save. He’s drawn in by the history of the old speakeasy and promises to get his father’s company to buy it.

That leads to the uncomfortable conversation Vanessa overhears between Chuck and his father, that old meanie, Bart Bass. But dumb ol’ Vanessa: Clearly, she hasn’t learned the old lesson that you can criticize your own family as much as you want, but no one particularly likes when someone else does it.

Yet Chuck stands up to Blair for her, after B. sets Vanessa straight about their bet. And is anyone else worried that Blair’s headed for a bit of a breakdown? Last week she had that inappropriate hissy fit at Yale. This week, she hysterically berated one of her schoolyard flunkies for the fashion crime of wearing tights as pants. And of course, mad jealousy over Chuck and Vanessa prompts her to fling herself into his arms.

Chuck’s having none of it, though. He gets all seductive and turns Blair down flat, saying that she needs to chase him for awhile.

There was another romance going on last night, too—between Dan and Nate.

How cute was Dan, calling Nate “bro” and asking him out for a soccer game? So sweet. Maybe their next date will be dinner and a movie.

Anyway, Dan finds out that Nate’s been squatting in his family’s apartment, which has been taken over by the government. So he invites his new pal over for chili, Scattergories and—a few huffy misunderstandings later—a place to sleep that actually has electricity.

Speaking of significant others, we finally got to meet Eric’s new boyfriend, Jonathan, who seemed nice but kind of, you know, bland. (Although he may be the one we have to thank for getting Eric to stop using Sun-In and restoring his hair to a normal shade. Eric looks way better as a brunette.) And how DID those two young scamps meet, after all? We never did find out.

The show did a little end run around the van der Woodsen/Bass housewarming party, too. Serena and the rest of us assumed that just because Bart is a nasty, cold control freak, he must be a homophobe, too. It turned out that Bart didn’t really have a problem with Eric’s boyfriend: In a weird way, he was protecting Eric by wondering if he wanted to come out of the closet publicly, since press would be at the party.

And those new family rules—1 p.m. curfew, no partying on school nights? HA! The show would fall to ruins!—were actually instigated by Lily.

By being a stricter parent, she was trying to make up to Serena and Eric for all those years when she was jetting off without them to Ibitha with Claus, Klaus and what was apparently a clown car full of men. As Eric put it, “Since U Been Gone” was Lily’s ringtone.

But no worries, because even though Serena vented about Lily’s terrible parenting to In Style magazine—oops, can we say awkward?—the family eventually put it all behind them and bonded over what looked suspiciously like an ice cream log from Friendly’s. All’s well that ends well, especially since Bart had the story killed! Giggle, giggle!

So what’cha thinkin’, “GG” fans? Will Chuck and Vanessa actually get together? Will Blair ever say those three little words to Chuck? Who’s the cuter couple: Eric and Jonathan, or Dan and Nate?

Until next week, when Serena’s new love interest, Aaron Rose, is introduced, XOXO…

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

Yup, if you believe Jessica Szohr. TV Guide bumped into Vanessa herself, who let it slip that there’s a funeral in the series’ future.

OMG! Who could it be? We agree with TV Guide that it’s unlikely to be one of the kids, so it’s probably a minor adult character.

But who?

The Captain, Nate’s Michael Milken-esque father who fled the country? (I love how no one even remembers Mr. Archibald’s real name anymore. And it’s Howie, in case you’re interested. How unfortunate. I’d call myself “the Captain,” too…)

Or could it be Serena’s grandma, CeCe? (Which would give Lily an even bigger bank account?)

Maybe Bart Bass? (Which would leave Chuck an orphan? Aww, sad. And scary.)

Whoever it is, we’ll find out soon enough. Not to mention we’re going to have even more “Gossip Girl” coming up: The CW just ordered two extra episodes for this season, bringing the total number to 24.

You’ve totally gotta XOXO that, right?

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

Would you expect anything less from “Gossip Girl?”

Yes, my lovelies, the gang hit the road to New Haven, in the hopes of boosting their chances of making it into the creme de la creme of the Ivies. (Because Yale, Harvard and Princeton are the only ones that really count as an Ivy League school, according to the Book of Blair Waldorf. Her assessment of what attending Brown would do to Serena’s fashion sense and hygiene was truly hilarious.)

And speaking of Blair and Serena, they brought the campus smackdown last night. Serena decided to sabotage Blair by wooing the college dean of admissions, after B. taunted her about never being able to get in: “You’re not that smart.”

Because after flashing the dean some serious skin in a low-cut blouse and tight jeans—always appropriate for a college interview—S. managed to finagle an invite to the dean’s house party.

Poor Blair, dressed like a 1930s schoolmarm, got bupkis. Until she, in classic Waldorf fashion and a bizarrely funny scene, bribed the dean’s secretary with some antique porcelain cats.

B. had a meltdown at the party, though, changing Serena’s answer to Pete Fairmond, who, thankfully for those of us who’ve forgotten last week much less last May, she reminded everyone is the man Serena killed. (Well, sort of. She and Georgina scooted out of that hotel room when Pete O.D.ed, but hey, S. did call 911 before he croaked. And his parents forgave her, so we’re all good!)

That led us to the spectacular purse-throwing, hair-pulling, stiletto-kicking, “I hate this headband!”-flinging catfight to end all catfights. Which somehow did NOT result in Serena falling out of her (once again) inappropriate cocktail dress, most likely through the miraculous intervention of industrial-strength double-sided tape. (Sorry, boys, the CW isn’t HBO…)

I was almost disappointed when the gals made up in the end, because I’ve been kind of enjoying bad Serena. Not even Chuck makes Blair lose it to that capacity!

As for our favorite Mother Chucker, he was in rare form, too. Seems like he only took the trip north to ferret out members of the secret Skull & Bones society. I’m still wondering if Chuck was really considering Yale and the S&B, until they asked him to betray Nate.

Or perhaps he realized that he couldn’t cope with everyone else on campus wearing rugby shirts and jeans, when clearly they should be in orange stovepipe pants and fedoras? I love me some Chuck Bass fashion, but honestly, what teenage boy wears a pocket square? Wait a minute, I did know a guy at Georgetown who wore an ascot, so never mind…

Designer clothing aside, Chuck’s plot against the society was genius. Who else would hire escorts for a night of debauchery, then have the girls take incriminating photos with their “lipstick cams?” You know, just in case he needs some leverage with a future captain of industry 15 years or so down the road.

And who’d have thunk that Chuck would be so loyal to Nate?

Of course, Chuck’s version of being a good guy involved getting Dan Humphrey tied to a statue in his underwear. But hey, that prank was like a 2 on the Chuck Bass Scale of Evil, so I’m not sure why Nate suddenly got so mad.

It did, however, set up the unlikely friendship between Nate and Dan. First Vanessa, now Dan. Is Nate just really into slumming in Brooklyn lately?

Perhaps so, because I hear that a smooch between him and Jenny isn’t far away!

I’m happy about that, because little J. needs a new storyline soon: This tortured decision of whether or not to go to school is putting me to sleep.

Especially when we all know that Jenny will get her skinny butt back to Constance Billard eventually. Unless this is part of the show’s plan to give her a spin-off of her own?

That’s all for now, boys and girls. Until next week, when Blair plots with Chuck against Vanessa. Now that just isn’t a fair fight…

(Photos courtesy of the CW) 

Whoa. A hissy fit by the deposed Queen B. is a scary thing to behold. It also made me realize something last night: Blair Waldorf is, quite possibly, more frightening than any of the villains on “Prison Break.” (Leighton Meester has just been on fire this season.)

And what prompted this little outburst, you ask? Why, just that Ms. van der Woodsen is seriously outshining B. as the hot new socialite on the scene. Not to mention, it was Fashion Week in New York, which means that Blair’s designer mother was paying more attention to Serena and intern Jenny (the horror!) than her own daughter.

So here’s what went down between the frenemies:

After watching Mamma Eleanor place Serena and her new pals in the front row of her show—Kirsten Dunst is SOOO 2007 (ouch!)—a jealous Blair turned to sabotage. Except she turned her wrath on Jenny, changing seating charts, firing models and swapping Eleanor’s finale dress with one of Jenny’s designs. But alas, Blair’s plans backfired. Jenny’s suggestion that Serena and the Socialites (hey, that’s a great band name!) swan down the catwalk turns out to be a great PR move, and the fashionistas (hello, Michael Kors!) love, love, love Jenny’s dress.

Blair tries to apologize to Serena in the end, but Miss Everything-Comes-Easily-To-Me has had her head turned by Poppy’s “don’t be afraid to show your inner light” speech. (Insert much eye-rolling here.) So Serena tells Blair that she’s not letting her hold her back anymore.

Jeez, Serena: Conceited much?

Clearly, Serena has forgotten that only last week, Blair tried to hatch a revenge plot because Dan had hurt Serena’s feelings. And just a few months ago, Blair got rid of the evil Georgina for her. Not to mention the myriad times that Blair has yanked her drunken ass out of a bar and covered for her. Blair’s methods might be mean sometimes, but she’s been a pretty loyal friend.

As for Blair and Jenny, B. tries to get Jenny fired—and rats her out to Rufus. Seems that little J. has been going to work at Eleanor’s instead of attending school. Blair showing up at the Humphreys’ apartment with a tub of chicken soup and fake concern was classic. (And you’d have thought Mrs. Queller would have caught on to that fake mono story a little sooner, wouldn’t you?)

The upshot of all this is that Blair and Jenny call a truce, after J. tells Blair she admires her for working so hard for all she has, while Serena floats through life. Jenny also announced that she’s not going back to school, and called Rufus a hypocrite for dropping out himself to follow his musical dreams. (To top it off, she implied that she’s more talented than he was. Snap!)

So that’s what’s up with the girls. Now, how about the boys?

The always intriguing Chuck Bass was front and center, dragging Dan along in a typical night of mother-Chuckin’ debauchery. All in the name of research for Dan’s horrible writing, of course. See, his crochety oh-for-the-days-of-Hunter-Thompson writing coach wants Dan to get out of his rut of writing about a Lonely Brooklyn Boy pining for an Uptown Girl. So he decides to ask Chuck for help, and one drunken, drugged evening later, Chuck boots a shoeless Dan out of the limo and into the street.

Grumpy mentor then suggested that the “Charlie Trout” character (Trout, Bass, get it? Man, Dan really IS a bad writer…) in Dan’s latest short story is the most interesting, and that Dan should find out his secrets to learn what makes him tick. Because, you know, as a fiction writer, Dan couldn’t just use his imagination and make it all up.

But that wouldn’t lead us to Chuck’s revelation about why his relationship with his father is so awful: Chuck’s mother died having him, and Bart blames his son. Chuck dropped that bombshell while the two are in jail after another night of bar-hopping. This time around, Dan defended Chuck when he mistook a girl for a hooker (an “honest mistake”) and her boyfriend took offense. Dan ends up slugging the boyfriend, hence the bar fight and arrests.

Chuck, however, discovered that Dan has been using him for his writing, and their little boy bond is broken. Oh well, we knew that unholy alliance couldn’t last long.

And getting back to that mean ol’ Bart Bass, what secret did he uncover about Lily? Back in Lily’s wilder days, she posed for a nude photograph by Robert Mapplethorpe. Lily wanted to buy the picture because she was kind of proud of it, and now that Serena and Eric are older, she wants to tell her kids about who she really was (or is?).

Bart, however, buys the photo because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed by it. Which leads us to that other secret. The dossier that Bart  compiled before marrying Lily has something in it from her past that’s so bad, it moved Lily to near tears. Of course, we don’t know what the secret is yet.

(Any guesses? Mine is that the document Bart showed Lily is a birth certificate, and Lily had Rufus’ baby without telling him, and then gave it up for adoption. Oh wait, that’s already happening on “90210”...)

That’s all for now, and all those dirty little secrets will have to tide you over for two weeks. But we have a Serena-Blair showdown at Yale to look forward to when the show returns on Oct. 13.

Until then, boys and girls, XOXO…

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

Man, what a first week of school! If I’d had one that dramatic, I’d have been sucking my thumb in the fetal position by the time the weekend rolled around.

But not for our favorite Upper East Siders. Head games and evil plots of revenge aren’t stressful here, boys and girls.

They’re fun.

On the Serena-Dan front, the sad-eyed couple are still broken up, but trying to remain friends. Yet Serena’s hurt when Dan is spotted chatting with the new girl at school. After Blair reads New Girl’s dossier as part of the annual “project” vs. “victim” evaluation series, she’s dubbed “Dan with boobs” and Blair vows to do something to protect Serena.

So Blair (who’s possibly channeling Queen Victoria in her frilly white lace cape and high-necked blouse) and her headbanded henchwomen “befriend” the newbie, so they can set her straight on the rules.

No. 1: Thou shalt not covet a friend’s ex-boyfriend.

(Apparently Rule No. 2 is to never wear last season’s Tori Burch flats.)

After that, there’s a lot of back and forth between Dan and Serena: You hurt my feelings; no you did; you were mean to New Girl; I didn’t do anything, it was Blair; blah blah blah.

Then things get really interesting when Blair’s flunkies burn off New Girl’s hair—and we find out that she’s being paid off by CHUCK to stir things up.

(We’re not quite clear on why he does this, but more importantly, we’re supposed to believe that Chuck Bass is so all-powerful he can get some random girl accepted and enrolled in a prestigious Manhattan school? If that’s true, then Chuck’s missed his calling: Forget the burlesque club, he should start a business promising all those hysterical NYC parents that their kids will get prep school placement.)

The result of all this plotting?

Serena gets super-pissed at Dan, telling him that if their argument is a contest, there’s no doubt about who will win.

The next thing Dan knows, Serena’s back to her old self and he’s persona non grata once again at school.

And in a scene straight out of the movie “Heathers,” Serena gives Blair a scarf and chillingly reclaims her position as Queen of the Campus.

Perhaps Blair didn’t see Serena’s takeover coming, since she was a bit busy hatching her revenge scheme against Catherine and Marcus. Totally didn’t predict the affair between Dutchess Stepmommy and The Lord coming, but it was a wild twist.

For a split second, Vanessa actually justified her existence on the show by snapping a camera phone picture of Catherine and Marcus together, figuring it might help Nate get out of Catherine’s clutches.

But of course, girlfriend doesn’t know what to do with the info, so Dan suggests she go to the expert on vindictiveness: Blair. After all, if you Google “revenge,” you’ll get BlairWaldorf.com.

I actually got a bit nervous for Vanessa when she showed Blair the photos: Her hissing, “Who else has seen these?” was quite alarming. Of course, Blair gets Catherine to agree to pay the money that Nate’s father owes and then leave town.

Until V. screws everything up by telling the Duke, who sends his disgraced family back to London but with no moohla for the Archibalds.

Alas, all Blair’s manipulations snags her nothing but a broken heart and a new role as a lady-in-waiting to Queen Serena.

Will Blair’s second place position last long?

Maybe, maybe not. Either way, we know she’ll put up a hell of a fight.

Until next week, XOXO…

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

He’s reportedly given his opinion on the controversy surrounding the super-skinny actresses from “90210.”

Eat a freakin’ double-cheeseburger.

Ever since the revamp of the “0” premiered, folks have been buzzing about the bobble-heads that are the show’s main actresses: Shenae Grimes (Annie), Jessica Stroup (Silver) and Anna­Lynne McCord (Naomi). Their stick-thin frames are actually causing so much concern that Entertainment Weekly says the CW has called the girls’ representatives, asking them to address the weight issue with their clients.

So what prompted Penn to weigh in on all the drama? Maybe he was just being a protective boyfriend.

As any “GG” fan knows, Penn is dating his co-star, Blake Lively, who People magazine recently called “curvy,” along with the show’s Leighton Meester.

That’s only when compared to the “0” girls, of course. Because if the ultra-slim Blake and Leighton are considered voluptuous, then there’s no hope for the rest of us. We might as well staple our asses to the couch and start shoveling in Ring-Dings.

Personally, I think all of these ladies could use a few chocolate milkshakes, but yes, the “90210” gals are appallingly thin, particularly Grimes and Stroup.

I mean, check out this photo of Stroup from an upcoming episode, which apparently involves some fashion show (and ooh, will Mrs. Wilson catch Kelly Taylor’s mom snorting coke backstage this time around, too?!?):

We’ll try to contain our hysterical laughter at Silver’s ridiculous get-up, but seriously, look at the girl’s limbs. She looks like a giraffe (and those animal-print tights aren’t helping to dispel that image).

Anyway, forget cheeseburgers, Penn. I think it might be too late for that. Someone needs to strap her down and force-feed her some straight lard—STAT!

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

And no, she wasn’t just talking about the blackout. I think I’ve gone over to the dark side, too.

Because I’m guessing it’s kinda wrong that I think the teen-age love scenes on “Gossip Girl” are hotter than the ones between adults on, oh, say, “Dirty Sexy Money.”

That moment when Chuck whispers nasty sweet nothings in Blair’s ear?

Smokin’.

Yes, my dearest Upper East Siders, C and B were together again, even if it was brief and Blair supposedly mistook Chuck for Marcus in the dark.

(I liked the inside joke in that scene, too, since Ed Westwick, the British actor who plays Chuck, got to use his real-life accent to imitate English lord Marcus.)

But when the lights went on, Marcus caught the two together—and then Chuck caught a punch in the face.

Did Marcus forgive B.’s little indiscretion?

She did admit to knowing it was really Chuck—yet she kind of called Marcus on the fact that he hasn’t been willing to slip between the sheets with her.

Guess we’ll have to wait and see whether Marcus is winging his way across the pond—and away from Blair. And who knows whether the mojo-losing Chuck was really acting on his feelings for B., or whether he was using her—as S. so charmingly put it—as “sexual Drano.”

As for the other partygoers, Nate wasn’t having much fun either.

He confessed to Vanessa that he’s sleeping with Catherine. He wants to break it off, but since Catherine is giving him money to support his family while his criminal father is AWOL, he’s stuck with her.

And why does V. give up Nate so easily after a mysterious encounter with Catherine?

She tells Dan later that Catherine threatened to tell the FBI where Nate’s father is, if Nate ever left her.

Poor V.

Well, not really. I honestly could care less who breaks her heart. The less we see of that useless character, the better. (And I really hope Michael Ausiello of Entertainment Weekly is wrong about Vanessa possibly hooking up with …. Rufus?!? Eewww.)

And speaking of hooking up, it turns out that Serena and Dan actually…didn’t.

The super couple spent the night stuck in an elevator, where they finally talked about their problems.

“I can’t change who I am,” S. tells Dan. So when the doors finally opened, they closed the door on their relationship with unsaid “I love you’s” to each other.

Bittersweet, but not anywhere close to the best scene these two had together last night.

That was the one where they’re attacked in the park by a trio of mini-Blairs for getting back together, after the girls read about their exploits on the Gossip Girl blog.

“How could you after he kissed Georgina?” yells one. You could just see Blake Lively and Penn Badgley trying not to laugh.

Well, that’s all, folks, except for the fact that Jenny got fired from her internship for criticizing Eleanor Waldorf’s designs. Then Eleanor rehired her to help jazz up her clothing line.

Looks like EW has a new muse. And it’s not her super-stylish daughter.

So watch out little J. When Blair finds out she’s got competition for Mommy’s attention, I bet you’ll be in for a bumpy ride.

Until next week, XOXO….

Blair’s determined to forget about Chuck Bass, otherwise known as “that Bass-hole.”

(Which follows last week’s “mother Chucker” and “Bass-tard” lines: Clearly, the writers are having fun seeing how many near-curse words they can slip past the FCC.)

And how does B. try to hang onto Marcus, whose (step)mommy insists on approving all of his girlfriends?

By doing what she does best, of course. Planning a party.

Who cares that it’s a fake get-together, or that Blair’s poor maid is doing all the actual work?

Nothing stops Blair Waldorf from trying to make an impression on a royal family.

Unfortunately, “the Dutchess”—who turns out to be Catherine, the married woman having an affair with Nate—thinks the “lowly” Waldorfs are the equivalent of trailer trash.

Blair’s crack about how Catherine could only teach her about the dangers of “too much Botox” probably didn’t help, either.

Luckily, Blair was able to use Catherine’s lust to her advantage. She catches Catherine and Nate together half-naked, causing her to shriek another not-quite profane one-liner, “Oh, my f-ing God!”

Blackmail follows, of course. Was anyone surprised to see B. bargain with Catherine? You pretend to like me, and my lips are sealed.

Apparently, Blair could care less about her one-time true love, Nate, who’s become Catherine’s exclusive boy toy.

Turns out the U.S. government froze Nate’s family’s bank accounts when his dear old criminal Dad fled the country—and Momma Archibald is now desperate for money to cure her Manolo fix. Chuck was willing to bail them out by selling his burlesque club and giving them a loan, but Nate prefers to take care of things himself.

Except that by the episode’s end, Nate realizes the situation may be too hot for him to handle. He’s forced to cancel a date with Vanessa because of Catherine, who hands him an envelope of money.

What’s a four-letter word for “male prostitute?”N-A-T-E.

As for the rest of the gang? Well, the recently reunited Serena and Dan want to talk about all the issues that broke them up last year. But their habit of sleeping together first, and talking much, much later gets the best of them.

One bumpy Jitney ride and a few chocolate-covered strawberries later, and they’re right back where they started.

Ah well, that’s summer loving for you. It’s back to the big city next week!

And just a few side notes before I say ta-ta ‘til then:

• Leighton Meester is a gorgeous girl, but she needs to seriously stand up to wardrobe sometimes. Because high-waisted orange culottes with Bass Weejuns (A-ha! Is that a sly reference to Chuck?) is absolutely no one’s friend.

• Is it me, or is Ed Westwick (as Chuck) sounding more and more like Steff from “Pretty in Pink” with every episode? I’m just waiting for him to call Blair a bee-yotch and tell her to see a doctor. “Because that condition of yours could get a lot worse…”

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

E! is reporting that Willa Holland—who played Mischa Barton’s little sis, Kaitlin Cooper, on “The O.C.”—will become an Upper East Sider for a few episodes. (Guess if you can’t get Mischa, you can at least try to land the Mini-Cooper.)

Holland is reportedly on board as Agnes, a teen model who hooks up with Jenny through her design work for Eleanor Waldorf. And let’s just say she’s not a good influence on the supposedly reformed wanna-be bad girl.

Also, insiders tell E! that John Patrick Amedori has been cast as Aaron Rose, the new love interest for Serena this season.

No word on exactly how closely the TV Aaron will line up with the character from the GG novels, but here’s Wikipedia’s description of the Harvard hottie in the books:

The herb cigarette-smoking and vegan stepbrother of Blair Waldorf and son of Cyrus Rose. He drives a red Saab, and had a unrequited crush on his stepsister, Blair. Later on he dated both Serena and Vanessa, and was accepted to Harvard University.

Hmm, does that mean the next catfight over a boy could be between Serena and Vanessa?

Only time will tell, boys and girls. And of course, tune in tonight for yet another gossip-filled episode in which Blair is determined to hold onto her royal b-friend, Lord Marcus.

Check back here tomorrow for the recap. Until then, XOXO…

(Photos courtesy of the Associated Press and the CW)

Because after last night’s Season 2 premiere, I could care less that Lonely Boy – or Playboy, as GG renamed him after his different-girl-every-night summer— crawled back into Serena’s good graces.

The couple that I want back together NOW is Blair and Chuck, so they can begin their evil reign over the Upper East Side!

Can’t you see the dastardly plots these two would hatch once they start working together, instead of against each other?

Anyway, let’s back up to the Hamptons, where most of our merry crew has been summering since school let out back in May…

Serena’s been acting as a cover girl for Nate, who’s been having an affair with a smokin’ hot married woman.

(And honestly, if you don’t want your hubby to find out about your extracurricular activities, Catherine, don’t make out with a teen-ager in a car in plain view of nosy neighbors.)

As for Chuck, he’s been, ahem, partying with South American triplets who like to sunbathe topless. (Sigh. How cliche.)

Meanwhile, the Humphrey kids have been slumming it back in the city, working at—GASP!—actual summer jobs: Jenny’s an intern for Blair’s designer mom, Eleanor, and Dan’s an assistant to a famous author (guest star Jay McInerney as a boozy version of himself).

And B.? She spent most of the summer in gay Paree—no pun intended, I swear!—hanging out with her two dads.

But, of course, she kick-starts the real action when she shows up in the Hamptons just before school starts—with a new boyfriend, James.

All to make Chuck jealous of course.

And it works, since C. immediately becomes obsessed with bringing Blair’s guy down.

(BTW, one of the best lines of the night came from Eric, of all people, after Chuck launches an investigation into James’ background: “He’s got a P.I. on speed dial!”)

But first, Chuck embarrasses himself at tea—how quaint!—by interrogating James about Blair’s favorite things. Then he gets honestly choked up when he spots James literally wearing Blair’s heart (pin, that is) on his sleeve.

Speaking of hearts, who knew Chuck Bass had one? Clearly he does, judging from his heart-to-heart with Blair in the garden: “Do you really feel the same way about him as you did about me?”

Blair’s reaction in recounting the scene for Serena: “Damn that mother-Chucker!”

(Cheesy, yes, but don’t lie: You know you’re going to be saying “mother-Chucker” all season…)

However, James catches on to the intrigue at the White Party—a clear rip-off of Diddy’s infamous seasonal Long Island bash—calling Blair on her attempt to use him.

But the cojones on B.! When James asks if she actually likes him at all, she bluntly says, “No. Not really. I mean, you’re kind of boring.”

James scores points for rendering B. speechless, though: Intend of slinking away, like most of her targets, he slams back—wondering if she ever bothered to listen to him because she’s so selfish.

That kind of verbal sparring makes B. a little more interested, but guess what makes her like James even more? His confession that his name isn’t James and he didn’t go to Georgetown or Princeton.

He’s Marcus Beaton, and he’s a freakin’ BRITISH LORD! Wow, didn’t see that one coming, Chuck, did you?

Chuck can’t compete with a title for Blair’s affection, so he goes for the truth: He admits that he left Blair at the airport because he was afraid she wouldn’t want him after spending the whole summer together.

Yet Blair refuses to turn her back on Marcus unless Chuck says three magic little words (or “eight letters,” she adds, in case he became brain-damaged in the last 5 minutes).

Of course, Chuck can’t do it, and Blair leaves with Marcus.

Oh yeah, and Dan finally headed east to figure out his relationship with Serena: They hook up, of course, and end the episode watching fireworks on the beach.

So, boys and girls, who’s your favorite couple now? To paraphrase GG herself, I’m betting you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Until next week, XOXO … and how glad are you that our favorite Manhattan snobs are back?!?

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

But it’s never too late for juicy tidbits about what to expect from our favorite Upper East Siders this year.

STOP HERE if you want to plunge into “GG” all fresh and innocently spoiler-free, like a newborn babe.

But why would you want that?

So if you’re up for a few down-and-dirty secrets before the Labor Day debut, read on…

Unless you’re a “GG” fan who’s been living on Outer Mongolia for the summer, you already know that the action kicks off in the Hamptons—where most of our merry crew has been frolicking.

I’ve seen the first three episodes, so I know a lot more, but I’ll never tell EVERYTHING. That would spoil all the fun.

But here are some teasers about what’s in store for S., B. and the rest of the gang:

• What’s a four-letter word for gigalo? N-A-T-E.

• Blair’s involved with a new man, and he’s got a secret that stuns even the un-shockable Queen B.

• Ed Westwick, who plays the deliciously evil Chuck, gets to show off his real-life British accent.

• Jenny and Dan actually have—the horror!—summer jobs. And they involve socialite Tinsley Mortimer and author Jay McInerney, who guest star as themselves (sort of).

• Forget those old slogans like “XOXO” and “OMG.” They’re so Season 1. This year, the catchphrases are all about Chuck Bass. Think “mother Chucker.”

• What did Dan do this summer that prompts THIS drink-flinging reaction?

Want more? You’ll have to tune in Monday at 8 …

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

The edgy teen soap has been off the air since May, but you’d never know it from all the coverage it’s been getting lately.

The series and its stars have been all over:

• Fashion magazines (they’re part of Vanity Fair’s annual Bright Young Hollywood issue)

• Gossip columns (dating co-stars Blake Lively and Penn Badgley are making out all over the set, and no one’s talking to the actress playing Penn’s new on-screen love interest because it’ll make Blake upset!)

• and even respected news organizations like CNN.com (about the CW’s meant-to-be-controversial uber-sexy Season 2 ad campaign)

Then, as the ultimate badge of honor, “GG” was the big winner at last night’s Teen Choice Awards.

It snagged SIX surfboard trophies: Choice TV Drama, Breakout Show, Breakout Male Actor (Chase “Nate” Crawford), Breakout Female and TV Drama Actress (Blake “Serena” Lively) and TV Villain (Ed “evil Chuck” Westwick).

And if that isn’t enough to make you say “YAY!” then remember this: It’s less than a month now until the show’s back on the air for its sophomore season.

Yup, our favorite snarky blogger returns on Sept. 1: It’s a holiday, people, so remember to set your TiVos, if you can’t roll your bloated, sunburned self home from that Labor Day BBQ by 8 p.m.

And what’s in store for our beloved prep-schoolers, besides the already-reported new love for Dan and summer fun in the Hamptons?

Ooh, Serena and Blair get in a catfight over …

a flashlight.

That’s the word from Michael Ausiello, the former TV Guide guru who’s now freshly ensconced at Entertainment Weekly.

Sheesh, Mike, I hope you can get better “GG” scoop that THAT in the future.

That’s all for now, boys and girls, arrivederci, ciao, au revoir and all that …

Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Madchen Amick has been cast as a “cougar” named Catherine Mason, who’ll be the older gal tempting Nate (Chase Crawford) into a May-December romance.

Image details: 5th Annual Primetime Emmy Nominees’ BAFTA Tea Party served by picapp.com

Now, I had several thoughts upon hearing this news.

One, if Amick’s birthday on IMDB.com is correct, I’m a wee bit disturbed by the fact that this show regards a 37-year-old as a cougar. I thought that term was restricted for gals who are at least 40. Amick needs at least a few more notches on her belt before she can take that title away from the likes of Demi Moore, people!

Two, Mad-CHIN Ami-whosits?!? She’s the kind of actress who I think I’ve seen before, but can’t quite place. (And sorry, EW, referring to her as a casino owner’s wife on the blink-and-you-missed-it “Viva Laughlin” doesn’t help.) Again, trusty IMDB to the rescue! I discovered that I know this chick from my much-missed “Gilmore Girls!” She was Sherry, the girlfriend of Rory’s dad, Christopher. You know, she got knocked up just as Lorelai and Christopher were about to get back together, but it didn’t matter because Lor was destined to be with Luke anyway and…whoops! Got carried away there.

Three, was Amick cast simply because for once in her life, she’ll fit in with the show’s other oddly-named actresses? Leighton Meester and Blake Lively, watch your backs.

The Hollywood Reporter claims that the makers of “Gossip Girl” are already looking at a spin-off, set in a girls’ boarding school, with Jenny Humphrey (played by cutie Taylor Momsen) as the possible star.

Makes total sense. The “GG” books spun Jenny off into her own series, “The It Girl.” In those novels, Jenny opts to leave her private NYC school after a string of embarrassing incidents plunges her popularity quotient into the toilet.

The books qualify “embarrassing” as appearing scantily-clad in a teen magazine. But I’m guessing that having your boyfriend publicly outed as gay, followed by having the cool crowd find out that you lied about losing your virginity, qualifies too.

Anyway, THR says that a Jenny-based show isn’t a sure thing. The producers could adapt the same Jenny storyline to another character that’s yet to be introduced.

So keep your eyes peeled when “GG” is back in the fall, boys and girls. There may be a new star in the making right in front of you…until then, XOXO!

UPDATE: “GG” creator Josh Schwartz tells E! Online that this rumor isn’t true. Then again, the same story quotes a CW source as saying the network would consider the idea if Season 2 does well. Considering that “GG” has super-duper buzz and gossip column mentions galore—but you know, so-so ratings, which are kind of important to TV execs—methinks someone has put the cart before the horse.

(Photo courtesy of the CW)

Showtime’s Premiere of "The L-Word" Arrivals served by picapp.com • Eric Lively, late of Showtime’s L Word (and brother to Gossip Girl queen B Blake Lively) will play the president’s son. Not clear if this means the current president’s son, or son of the incoming president, played by Cherry Jones.

"The Cherry Orchard" Opening Arrivals served by picapp.com • Gil Bellows, perhaps best known for his role as Ally McBeal’s former boyfriend, “will play a State Department officer ordered to serve Bauer with a subpoena to appear before the Senate.”

AFI FEST 2007 Presented By Audi: World Premiere Of "Public Enemy" Arrivals served by picapp.com • Tony Todd, who’s familiar to Chuck fans as CIA Director Graham, “will play cruel African dictator Gen. Juma.” He’ll also appear in Season 7.

They join previously cast Robert Carlyle (who plays Jack’s mentor).

Which conveniently leaves all of our favorite Upper East Siders fantastically single for the summer.

(I’m envisioning a lot of Sex on the Beach—both the drink and the act—when the series kicks off Season 2 with the kids frolicking in the Hamptons. And Long Islanders, keep your eyes peeled: The show is actually shooting there this summer. Email me if you spot Blake Lively and Penn Badgley smooching…)

That said, I’ve gotta say last night’s season finale left me more than a bit underwhelmed: More storylines were crammed into that last hour than fashionistas at a Chanel sample sale.

Perhaps that was due to the writers strike, which may have derailed an original plan to reel out each of these couplings and uncouplings over an episode or two. But the show careened from Serena and Dan to Rufus and Lily to Nate and Vanessa to Chuck and Blair like an out-of-control car.

First, let’s dispense with Serena and Dan. To sum up, Dan the Self-Righteous couldn’t seem to forgive S. for lying to him for weeks about her big secret (ditching a kid who was o.d.’ing at a hotel). Meanwhile, she was willing to forgive him for sleeping with Georgina—even though he didn’t, except he “might as well have.” Wow, Mr. Sensitive, good thing you’re “the most understanding person in the world.” Ick.

So in the end, the two sad sacks split up. And quite frankly, after watching them kvech for the last few weeks, I’m glad they broke up—which I don’t think is the emotion the writers were hoping for. But no worries: Unless they’re booting Dan from the show—ha!—I’m guessing he’ll be mooning after S. again when school resumes. But maybe she’ll be with Nate?!? That’s certainly what was implied in Serena’s flirty Hamptons invite to her onetime lov-ah.

Because Nate’s single again, right? Oh please, I’m not even going to waste much space on Nate and Vanessa. If you blinked you missed them as a couple, so did anyone truly care that they were no longer dating? (I do wish I could blink and Vanessa would disappear from the show, however.)

Speaking of Nate, his former BFF, Chuck, was quite the stand-up guy last evening, keeping an eye on Nate’s ne’er-do-well father at the wedding. And sure enough, Papa once again disappointed his son.  Not by relapsing though, but by fleeing the country to avoid his upcoming trial. The two pals shook hands and made up, after Nate forgave Chuck for sleeping with Blair.

He also pointed out that this is the first time Chuck’s ever said he loved someone. So a drunk-on-love Chuck used his sweet toast to Lily and Bart to woo Blair, who quickly jumped back into his good graces. Total cop out.

The queen B. we know and love would NEVER let Chuck off so easily.

She would require flowers, jewelry and ignore all of his text messages for at least a week before even CONSIDERING Chuck as a suitor again. I mean, as Blair pointed out, the boy compared her to his father’s smelly old horse. And getting giddy with Serena about Chuck? Come on, did B. have an emotional breakdown or something? Even with her best friend, the ice queen’s never been so open about her feelings.

The only part of the scenario that rang true, of course, was the end. After Bart gave his son the big ol’ responsibility speech, telling him how his days of partying and women were behind him—a little much telling a 17-year-old that, but whatever—Chuck practically ran for the hills.

He wildly looked for the first halfway pretty girl in his path, Lily’s blond interior decorator (socialite Lydia Hearst in a horrible cameo). Offering her a rose from Blair’s discarded bouquet, his new chickie asked, “Who are you?”

“I’m Chuck Bass,” he purred, immediately reverting to his bad-ass ways. Thank goodness. A good Chuck? Please. The “GG” blog would have to shut down.

Meanwhile, did it look like Blair was too upset that he ditched her at the helicopter? From the goo-goo eyes she was making at that handsome passenger—and who was he again? I was too bored to figure it out—she likely won’t be crying over Chuck for long.

And as for Rufus and Lily, the show completely destroyed what I thought was the most interesting relationship on the series. The show kind of played with the idea that Lily was only getting married to Bart because Serena had asked her not to pursue Rufus. When S. told Dan that little tidbit, I thought that he might tell Lily to go for his dad—since he’d be breaking up with Serena.

But then that trail went nowhere, and la di dah, Rufus and Lily are all pals again. She’s getting married, and they missed their chance at true love again. Oh well! I mean, did I nod off somewhere during the show, or did that seem sudden to anyone else?

And while we’re on the subject of that wedding, would any self-respecting billionaire get hitched in the outdoor courtyard of a hotel? Why bother hiring security to keep out the riffraff when literally anyone on the street could peer through the fence at the goings-on?

But I saved the biggest brush-off to discuss last. What the hell happened to Georgina? Where was the big showdown? The drama, the suspense? Were they trying to keep Michelle Trachenberg from getting a bonus if she stayed on set another minute?

Because they sure shoved her off the show lightning-quick. One second Georgie is the devil incarnate, the next she’s a kid who shakes in her boots with one stern look from her parents? Give me a break. I understand that G’s story arc had run its course—I hear she’s not expected back next season—but they could have given her a more brilliant send-off.

All of a sudden, one phone call from Blair and Georgina is off to a wilderness boot camp for out-of-control kids?  First of all, are Georgina’s parents idiots? Their daughter ran away and they couldn’t follow what had to be a staggering credit card trail of posh hotel bills, bar tabs and shopping sprees? And second, if G is so scared of her folks, then why didn’t Serena give them a ring way back when she was being blackmailed?

Sheesh.

Sorry, boys and girls, I just didn’t love this episode. What’s the opposite of XOXO?

Until the fall, Upper East Siders….and I’ll keep you posted on all the “Gossip Girl” gossip until then!

(Photos courtesy of the CW)

Nope, “Gossip Girl” fans were NOT shocked to discover last night that Serena’s big secret is that she and Georgina ditched some random kid named Pete in a hotel room as he was overdosing on coke.

This was after the infamous Shepard wedding, when Serena and Nate slept together. (Man, that was a really, really bad night…)

So as Pete went into a seizure, the completely heartless Georgie insisted on fleeing the scene. She convinced S. to do the same, but not before she called 911 on Pete’s cell phone.

Then she stalked the scene from across the street to make sure he was okay. See, she really is a good girl!

But alas, poor Pete was brought out in a body bag. And that’s the real reason Serena fled for boarding school, not because she stabbed Blair in the back by doing her boyfriend.

The fun of last night’s episode wasn’t in the big reveal: No one in their right mind would think the show would make its heroine a true-blue murderer.  It was in the protective way that Serena’s blue-blood friends—who are no longer friends with each other—circled around her.

Who would have seen the terrific trio of Nate, Blair—and of all people, CHUCK—banding together to help the damsel in distress? They even formed a human wall to block Dan, the ultimate outsider, from seeing her before she was ready.

Only on “Gossip Girl” would we learn in the midst of this crisis that Chuck was deflowered in the SIXTH grade (by “psycho” Georgina, naturally).

Chuck also had the best line of the night in the oddest intervention scene ever on TV: They were the “non-judgemental Breakfast Club.”

Trying to convince Serena to confess her secret, Nate and Blair each gave examples of their own misdeeds. And when Blair looked at Chuck for his contribution, he merely rolled his eyes and said, “I’m Chuck Bass.”

And damn, talk about Lily stepping up as a mommy. Missing her own engagment party to actually PARENT? Big, big step.

Once Blair told her what really happened on that video, Lily abandoned her plan to ship Serena to reform school. (Do they actually still have those?)

Instead, she orchestrated an instant meeting between Serena and Pete’s parents, who didn’t blame her for their junkie son’s death. (P.S. That was amazingly quick work on Lily’s part: She got Serena in and out of Pete’s parents’ apartment with a pat on the head, who she didn’t know from a hole in the wall, within minutes.)

Meanwhile, Serena’s Super Friends trekked all the way to Queens—GASP!—to bring Georgina down. “Let’s get the bitch,” said Chuck.

But dumb ol’ Vanessa tipped her off, allowing poor abused Sarah/Georgina to make her escape with Dan.

Will the gang be able to foil Georgie’s plan to seduce Dan? Or will judgemental Dan slip off his high horse and cheat on Serena? (Although he could use the always useful “Ross” argument from “Friends” and say they were on a break.)

That’s it from the kiddie corner, but we can’t forget the “GG” grown-ups, can we?  Lily and Rufus shared a kiss, after she watched him onstage with his VH1 Classic band, Lincoln Hawk. Singing “Come Back to Me,” written for Lily back when they first broke up, methinks?

So what will happen with them, given that Lily’s set to marry Bart Bass next week in the season finale?

Check back here next Tuesday after you tune it, boys and girls, and let’s discuss.

Until then, XOXO.

(Photos courtesy of the CW) 

And Michelle hinted that Serena’s big secret may not have been completely revealed yet.

Like there’s something bigger than, “I killed someone?!?”

Yup.

Michelle says that tonight’s episode, which has Serena self-destructing, will deal with the “who, what, when, where and how” of the scandal.

Of course, Georgina’s got her Chanel-covered rear end in the middle of it all.

While Michelle claims she has no idea whether she’ll be back next season as Georgina, she does know all about next week’s season finale. (Can you believe “GG” has been on the air for only one season?)

Here’s what she had to say about next week’s cliffhanger:

There are a bunch of punched-in-the-face moments where you’ll be like, ‘Oh, god.’ Not everyone’s storylines will be tied up with a nice little colorful ribbon. They’ll absolutely make you want to tune in next season.

Tune in here tomorrow, boys and girls, for a recap of tonight’s installment! XOXO…

(Photos courtesy of the CW) 

Asher was outed, and Jenny was revealed as a social climbing, lying hypocrite. Eric was yanked out of the closet, too—thanks to Georgina’s not-so-accidental slip at the van der Woodsen family dinner—although he seemed kind of relieved.

The big surprise wasn’t the identity of a gay Upper East Sider: We all knew that WEEKS ago, darlings, right?

The huge shocker came in the episode’s last moments, when finally, Serena told Blair what Georgina’s got on her that could ruin her life.

“I killed someone.”

O.

M.

G.

Fans sort of expected that Serena’s terrible secret was something like this.

Knowing what Serena was like in the bad old days, would an affair with a married man or a coke-inspired menage a trois really have blown our minds?

Still, her blurted confession right before the hour ended was an eye-opener.

We never got to see the video that Georgina supposedly has of the murder, and we still don’t know who died. But from the snippets of dialogue we heard, I’m guessing it was some kind of sex game gone wrong or an accidential drug overdose.

What we did learn, however, is just how far Georgie will go to destroy Serena.

She could have cared less about outing Eric,  who, for all she knew, could have attempted suicide again. And she’s hell bent on wrecking S’s relationship with Dan, though I’m thinking that her charade as “Sarah” isn’t going to last much longer.

And oh yeah, it doesn’t seem to matter that Serena could face criminal charges for that mysterious death.

So why is Georgina doing this?

“Because I can.”

Yikes!

As for the battle between Blair and Jenny, the two kicked off the night sending false info about the other to Gossip Girl. Even GG herself called a temporary halt to the feud, refusing to print anything more without proof. What ethics!

(BTW, didn’t you love that inside baseball conversation between Serena and Eric about Gossip Girl’s blog? Serena laughs about all the crazy rumors, including a wild one that Eric was actually Gossip Girl. Which was a real gossip item about the show going around a few months back…)

Anyway, it seemed that Jenny’s perfect new boyfriend, Asher, has been snogging Eric since their days together at the Ostroff clinic. She’s known he was gay from the start, since the little creep made her a deal: He’ll give her the insider status she’s been craving, if she’s willing to act as his cover girl.

Unfortunately for Asher, Dan saw him kissing Eric – though he didn’t know who the other man was at the time. And Dan actually got off his moral high horse and sent GG an anonymous tip about Asher, to protect little J.

But the one who succeeded in completely exposing the jerk was Blair, all in the pursuit of bringing down Jenny, of course. Never bet against the Queen B.!

She got her minions to steal Asher’s cell phone, downloading all of his texts to Eric.

Blair drew a line, though, when she realized that smashing Asher and Jenny would hurt Eric.

Then Eric gave her permission to make the relationship public. (That is, more public that yelling “I’m gay, and you are too” in the middle of a raging party.)

“Do it,” he tells Blair, who immediately hits “send” to whisk those incriminating messages straight to Gossip Girl’s inbox.

And voila: Jenny’s ruined, but not for dating a gay guy.

Her crime, according to rich girl rules? Lying to her girlfriends about sex.

Jenny’s a plucky one, though: Instead of slinking home, she marches straight to Blair’s and admits defeat, telling her the game wasn’t worth losing her family’s respect.

Blair says Jenny never stood a chance, but she put up a good fight.

“For a freshman.”

For a second, Blair’s voice cracked with vulnerability, as she told Jenny that she warned her at the beginning of what might happen. Which made me wonder if she might just let Jenny crawl back into the inner circle one day.

Then she put her nasty mask back on, sneering, “I hope you don’t expect a hug.”

Looking forward to next week?

With Serena hysterical that Georgie will reveal their secret, she’s backsliding into her old habits. Guess who comes to her rescue?

Not Dan!

This time, it’s the unlikely trio of Blair, Nate and … Chuck!!

Until then, boys and girls, XOXO…

(Photos courtesy of the CW) 

Leighton Meester—the bright-tight and headband-wearing, super-bee-yotch Blair Waldorf—  is signed up to hang with Vinnie Chase and the gang on HBO’s “Entourage.”

E!’s Kristin Dos Santos confirmed that Meester will reprise her first season role as Justine Chapin, a Britney-esque pop singer with the hots for Vince, for at least one episode.

Now, I didn’t watch “Entourage” when it first kicked off, but I’m guessing that a little bit of Blair’s deviousness may rub off on Justine this time around. What fun!

And if you’re wondering when “Entourage” will be back—its original June launch date was affected by the writers’ strike—I hear that Season 5 is set to premiere on Sept. 28.

(Photos courtesy of the CW and HBO) 

Just as last week’s episode marked the Clash of Blair & Jenny, this week’s marked the one brewing between S. and G.

And it looks like it’s going to get ugly.

Basically, Georgina brings out the worst in Serena, coaxing the “bad girl” to come out after a few too many Cosmos.

It seems that G. is hell-bent on ruining Serena’s new life, perhaps jealous that S. has been able to reform her dastardly ways. First, she got Serena to substitute an SAT study session at Dan’s for drinks at a club—prompting S. to ask her soon-to-be stepbrother, Chuck, to provide a lame food poisoning alibi.

Then Serena skipped the SATs themselves, though that wasn’t entirely her fault. Georgina spiked her diet Coke with a knock-out drug, enabling G. to concoct a lie that had Serena tossing back Patron instead of getting a good night’s sleep.

Chuck got her out of that jam by hiring a red-haired ringer to take the test for Serena. He hired someone else to take it for him, too, of course. (And just as a side note, Chuck is showing his softer side these days; he seems to be serious about his protective role as brother to Serena and Eric.)

Anyway, Dan knows something’s up, having seen through Serena’s excuses and spotting her SAT stand-in.

But she’s not able to tell him what’s wrong. Even Chuck notes that whatever Georgina’s got on Serena must be really, REALLY bad, if she can’t even tell him.

Apparently G. and S. got into some trouble about a year ago, something so terrible that Serena fled to boarding school and Georgina to Europe. And they refused to talk about what happened ever since.

Which is the big question, of course: What happened?

Whatever it is, as Serena told Georgina, “If I go down, you go down with me.”

Looks like G. doesn’t care much, since the episode ended with her still plotting against Serena. She manufactured a meeting with Dan in the park, calling herself Sarah.

(Insert ominous teen movie music here.)

Oh yeah, and elsewhere on the Upper East Side (and Brooklyn),  Nate and Vanessa hooked up, Blair sabotaged the college chances of nerdy brainiac Nelly Yuki  and Jenny snagged a rich b-friend.

Can you tell I could so care less about the subplots last night?

Until next week, XOXO…

(Photos courtesy of the CW) 

90. Summer Glau (Cameron, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles)
83. Jenna Fischer (Pam, The Office)
73. Carrie Underwood (American Idol)
63. Grace Park (The Eights/Sharons, Battlestar Galactica)
49. Katherine Heigl (Dr. Isobel ‘Izzie’ Stevens, Grey’s Anatomy)
41. Kristin Kreuk (Lana Lang, Smallville)
38. Katherine McPhee (American Idol)
37. Evangeline Lilly (Kate, Lost)
24. Kristen Bell (Elle, Heroes)
19. Ali Larter (Niki Sanders & Co., Heroes)
15. Erica Durance (Lois Lane, Smallville)
11. Hayden Panettiere (Claire Bennett, Heroes)
9. Blake Lively (Serena van der Woodsen, Gossip Girl)
8. Tricia Helfer (The Sixes, Battlestar Galactica)
4. Elisha Cuthbert (Kim Bauer, 24)

That’s more than 10 percent of the list accounted for. Hey! Where’s the 100 sexiest men of 2008?? (And isn’t April/May kind of early in the year for this sort of listing?)

The Upper East Sider will officially come out in the show’s May 5 episode, but Kristin Dos Santos at E! says she’s got the exclusive on the teen’s identity.

And who he’s hooking up with.

So who of the following four do you think it is?

Then click through to see if you’re right …

And the answer is—and if this surprises you at ALL, you’re not a true “GG” fan—Bachelor No. 4: Serena’s little bro, Eric van der Woodsen.

Kristen also says she knows how Eric comes out, or shall we say is outed?

She says that Eric gets caught kissing Jenny’s new b-friend.

The drama!

We’ll have to tune in May 5 to find out if the rumors are true, but I’m guessing Kristen is on the right track, considering the episode title is “All About My Brother.”

And here’s part of the official CW description:

Dan (Penn Badgley) witnesses Jenny’s new boyfriend, Asher (guest star Jesse Swenson), cheating on her, but Jenny refuses to listen to her brother’s warning.

So wait and see, boys and girls. Wait and see…

(Photos courtesy of the CW) 

You had your gloriously accessorized moment in the sun, via a well-aimed dollop of yogurt (fat-free, I’m sure).

But one stolen Valentino and a humiliating birthday party later, we were sure you were down for the count. Then out the window you go, ready for another smackdown with the disgraced Queen B.

And you won.

O. M. F. G.

Looks like it won’t be quite so easy for Blair to regain her status as NYC’s No. 1 teen bee-yotch.

Spring Break is over, Upper East Siders, and isn’t life grand?

“Gossip Girl” came back with a vengeance last night, complete with revenge plots, multiple felonies, fuzzy handcuffs and a box full o’ porn.

The hour started out with an anxiety dream of Blair’s: She’s starring in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” again, in the rain searching for Cat. Except Nate/Fred shows up and calls her Jenny. Everyone get the irony?

Back in the real world, Serena has to drag Blair to the first day back at school, telling her everyone will have forgotten about her sex scandal.

Of course, they haven’t—which leads to the Jenny-led yogurt-flinging incident.

Seems that power’s gone to little J.’s head, only she doesn’t have the bucks to keep up with the rich girls. She’s sold her precious sewing machine, among other things, so she can afford fancy dinners and Dolce dresses.

So you know it’s only a matter of time before her plan to fit in with her newfound “friends” goes very, very wrong.

Sure enough, Jenny ends up stealing a custom-made dress from the mother of one of her new pals (Penelope? Hazel? Does it matter? They’re all the same girl with a different designer purse…).

Then she steals it back from the consignment shop she sold it to, once she realizes how much it’s worth and that an innocent maid will probably get fired for her actions.

Meanwhile, Blair is setting Jenny up for a fall, planning an at-home birthday party for Jenny with her dad, Rufus (a.k.a., the dumbest dad on the planet).

Once the other girls sees that J. is poor—because she lives in Brooklyn, ha!—Blair thinks they’ll dump her faster than last season’s It bag.

And it goes better than expected, when they all catch Jenny red-handed in the stolen dress.

But damn, Jenny’s got cojones.

She’s a thief, but her dopey dad pretty much lets her off the hook. (You can’t afford the same things as your snotty friends, so you steal them? Poor thing, let’s have cake!)

Then instead of laying low, J. sneaks out and runs to Nate, who she’s already had the stones to ask for $8,000.

They run off to meet the gang at Butter, where J. essentially pimps Nate out to one of the girls with a mad crush, in exchange for forgetting about the whole dress incident.

Sorry, Blair, your seat at the table’s been taken. Not only does Jenny regain her A-list status, but she does it by using Blair’s ex-boyfriend.

A genius Mean Girl move.

And speaking of Mean Girls, we’ve got another one blowing into town next week.

It seems that the naughty gifts being sent to Serena—the dirty DVDs, champagne and baggie of coke—weren’t from her soon-t0-be stepbrother, Chuck.

(For once, evil C. was falsely accused! I actually felt bad because it seemed he was truly enjoying the family bonding, especially with little bro, Eric.)

The presents were from Serena’s old partner-in-crime, G.

Otherwise known as Georgina Sparks (Michelle Trachtenberg), she’ll show up next week to cause trouble for S.

And if Chuck’s offering Serena a drink after hearing about G’s imminent return,  you know she must be bad news.

Until then, boys and girls….XOXO.

(Photos courtesy of the CW)